Coward

Maybe you’re right. 

Maybe I let go too soon,

Tapped out when I should have stayed in,

Let things go when they got too tough,

Gave up,

Gave in. 

Maybe I am a coward, 

For leaving,

For tapping out,

For wanting to protect myself, 

For wanting to chase my own happiness,

Instead of feeling like I was stagnant and drowning. 

Thank you for calling me “coward”,

I’m going to prove you wrong. 

Beautiful

Everything about you is beautiful.

Your eyes, bright, but guarded,

And for good reason.

Your lips, withdrawn, curled in on themselves,

But soft enough to soothe the pain.

Things will take time,

But when you smile–

God, when you smile!–

And your eyes and your lips blossom,

Everything seems right. 

Exchanges

Grief is the price you pay for having joy,

If I smile today,

Will I grieve tomorrow?

If my heart is so full,

Will it shatter tomorrow?

If not tomorrow,

The next day,

Next year?

When?

Maybe when I try and spread joy,

All I touch becomes grief.

If I’m aware of that,

Can I change it, 

Or will grief always be the price for joy?

Not Every Girl is a Pearl

I’m working my way back to me again– Oysters, Tori Amos

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in my life. 

  1. I ended a nearly 3 and a half year relationship 
  2. I chopped off all my hair because I could
  3. I started Judo. 

Let’s start with the ending of the longest relationship I have ever been in. 

2014-2017- The End of an Era

For a long time in that relationship I was oblivious to my own feelings. I had my head in the sand, thinking that I wasn’t really feeling the random thoughts that would pop up. 

It won’t last.

He’s not your type.

Why him?

I chalked it up to hormones, or stress, or the natural feelings of resisting change, the typical thoughts you have when things are going so right and you’re waiting for the worst to strike. 

It wasn’t until another factor came into play, another friend that I’ve been talking with for a few years on and off, that I realized how truly oblivious I was being, how much potential was still out there for me. 

My boyfriend wasn’t the end all, be all that I thought he was. 

So even though it was frightening, I ended up breaking up with him, and honestly, I’m happier than I can remember being for a long time. 

And for the first time in YEARS, most of it is my own happiness, not relying on other people, or things that I think should make me happy, but things that actually make me happy.

I am more confident than I have ever been, finding myself after being in relationship after relationship with no time for me for about a decade with no real time for me. 

It’s been that way since I was sixteen, flitting from relationship to relationship because I lacked confidence to do things on my own, settling for a boy because he gave me attention, and thinking he was the best option out there (Spoiler Alert: They weren’t; that’s why they’re exes). 

Instead, they were all lessons. 

How not to settle, How to find my voice, How to gain confidence, How to lose friends, among several other lessons that are more difficult to explain. 

I’m beginning to wonder what lessons I can learn on my own. 

The Haircut

We’ve all seen the movie cliché, girl breaks up with boy, cuts off her hair in an edgy way, etc etc. Yeah, I cut my hair after the break up, but it was so much more than that. 

For years, in every relationship I have ever been in, I have always valued the opinion of my significant other more than my own–I blame this partly on my family and their values with the very 1950’s mindset, the woman exists to please the man– asking their opinions on the smallest of things, from nail polish colors to what shirt would look better etc. 

This haircut was different because I didn’t ask anyone, I made my own decision and only showed my best friend after it was done. I didn’t post it on social media, or text or call anyone after it was done asking for opinions. 

I just did it, and thought for the first time I think ever:

If someone doesn’t like it they can fuck themselves. It’s mine and I’m claiming it. 

It’s been nearly two weeks and no one has said anything negative about it. It might have to do with this surge of confidence lately, but I’m enjoying it. 

It’s small, but I’m starting to claim my body back as my own and make choices for myself. 

Things that make me happy and comfortable. 

Judo

It’s a little early to tell, since I just started Judo on Monday, but it goes back to choices and confidence. 

This friend I’ve been talking to has been doing Judo for a while and Karate for longer, and he mentioned that I should join Judo. I was nervous because I have very little body-kinesthetic knowledge, and Judo is basically a fighting martial art, but I ended up going, actually breaking a sweat and enjoying it more than I thought I would. 

Monday, it was more calm, groundwork, etc. 

Thursday, it was throws, which were so empowering. Taking someone way heavier than me and throwing them like they weigh close to nothing. The first few were pretty bad, and frightening, but when I got it right, there was nothing like it. 

With throws, you just know when it’s right. 

I think that’s life too. 

You can struggle through it, fight through the weight of decisions, force things over your head until they come crashing down, or you can adjust until everything is perfect and life flows over you like it’s weightless. 

This last month has held a lot of changes, and a lot of growth, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. 

As Tori says, I’m working my way back to me again. 


Oysters-Tori Amos 

NaNoWriMo 2016 Aftermath

This morning I finished my 2016 Nano Novel (with outline included) at just under 150K. 

Now it’s time to return to book one and rewrite.

Today, book 1 begins again. 

The rest of the year is the rest of the series. 

I’m reaching my 2017 writing goals. 

I can finally wear the winner shirt!

Writing Ruts

No matter what kind of writing project you attempt, you are going to run into roadblocks, or writer’s block, or mental blocks. All kinds of blocks are bad.

I recently won NaNoWriMo 2016 with a whopping 100K. It was such a huge accomplishment considering the past few years I have always struggled to write every day. This year, I did. I kept the momentum going and before I knew it I was hitting 50K and then 75K and then finally 100K.

You may be wondering: Why is she telling me a success story? 

Why am I telling you?

Because it was a success, I hit the word count goal, but the story wasn’t done. I still had five sections to finish. And once I felt like I had won, writing felt like pulling teeth.

My inner editor came back with a vengeance.

The writers block that I had been pushing away, through day after day of writing, finally rolled back down crushing me.

The beautiful characters and story that I had been weaving became stale.

The words had escaped like tortured prisoners.

And I couldn’t write like I was.

Weeks went by without the word counts in the thousands, and I felt like it all just sucked.

So what should you do when you reach that point?

There are a few options.

Change Your View

If you’re writing on a screen, it can become monotonous. The same background (usually white) and the same font and black letters, it gets boring. The paragraphs all look the same, and the words blend and even read monotonous.

So change your view. Make the font the farthest thing from the original font that you can still read, change the background color to neon pink, intent and unindent until it’s barely recognizable.

Even more simple? Write on a different screen. Switch from the laptop to the phone, or vice versa.

Work on Something Else

If you are anything like me, you have a lot of projects that are either half done, or written in notebooks and not typed, or any combination of those two. I started writing the old fashioned way, in notebooks, so I have a lot of drafts that I have yet to type up. When I get stuck on a current project, I turn to those.

I turn to those, to crank out a chapter or two, for several reasons.

  1. They are several years old and it allows me to surprise myself
  2. They are several years old and so bad that the grammar and spelling and everything makes me cringe. Most of the time it gets rid of any doubts that I have about my current work.

Another thing I turn to is fanfiction. Not to read it, but to write it, to try something I might be scared or anxious to try in something original.

Sometimes it helps to just have characters that are a little more developed tackle the problems first and then make it more original.


Go on Social Media

Yes! Scroll through facebook, or twitter, or tumblr or any other social media.

But here’s the trick. Pick a common word (I like “The” or “and”) and every time you see that word in a post, write a sentence in your work.

You might be surprised what comes out.

Those are usually how I get writing.

What are your tips for getting out of a writing rut?

2017 Goals

Hello everyone!

I know I have been absent for longer than I should have been, especially since I was trying to do a prompt daily, but here I am!

I know around this time of year a lot of people do their New Years Resolutions and Goals for change.

Yes, this is one of those posts. And I will do my best to not make it cliche or boring, but it’s bound to happen.

Without Further Ado: My goals for 2017

Write (Well Duh, Writer!)

  1. Write more original works: My goal this year is to play catch up with my current series. At this moment the series is bits and pieces and a ton of ideas. The only completed book or at least written book is the first one. The others are a few scenes or a section here and there, and by the end of this calendar year I would like the books I have stared to be more complete. 5 days a week will be original works.
  2. Write Fanfiction: Yes, Fanfiction. The type of writing that gets the writing snobs all up in a tizzy. “Those aren’t your characters, you can’t do that!” Or any of the other excuses aside, I did a lot of fanfiction writing in 2016 and I feel that it helped me expand on my original works. In an already established universe, I could test an idea and see how I wanted to try and write it.  Not only that, but I have somehow accrued a dedicated following on a few of the fanfictions that I have published. The weekends are for fanfiction.
  3. Blog: The writing schedule for this blog has been completely atrocious, and I do apologize for that. My goal for this year is to find a schedule that works and try to stick to it. Stay tuned for more details on that and the content to come.

Learn

  1. Bachelor’s Program: I will have had my RN license for 2 years in July and I’ve been working at my job for over a year now. It’s time to get in to a Bachelor’s program and continue my education.
  2. Languages and Skills: During the end of 2015 and throughout 2016 I tried to learn several languages. I ended up getting bored and forgetting about them for a while. I intend to at least learn somewhat fluently a language (Probably Spanish due to my profession and where I live) by the end of 2017

Health (Here are the cliches!)

  1. Strength: For years I have been a weakling, and I have tried in the past to gain arm strength, but push ups suck. I recently joined a gym and I intend to use it to full capacity to gain some muscle and strength. Strength would definitely help me at my job in an office and eventually when I move to a hospital job. The 600 pound patients won’t know what hit them!
  2. Body Confidence: Struggling with weight is a relatively new phenomenon for me. I’m guessing it’s because of all the sitting I do at my job and all of the delicious take out and Starbucks that I drink. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had looked at old pictures and noticed how slim my face looked. When a patient asked me if I was pregnant I figured it was time to make some better choices and appreciate my body since it is the only one I have.

Those are my goals for 2017 and who knows what will happen in the next 12 months. Stick around and find out!

What are your goals for the new year?