#14: My Diary

When I open my diary from five years ago, it’s hard to believe that I lived that life and that that person was me.

Five years ago, I thought I was happy, I thought I was whole, but I laugh now at how wrong I was. I laugh at how much growing I still had to do.

How much growing I still have to do.

Five years ago, I was barely an adult, floating through my life with all the dreams in my head propelling me up into the clouds, and my feet not on the ground. Five years ago, I was just out of a relationship that is my worst relationship to date, and looking back now, I am so relieved.

Five years ago, I was a coward, ready to do and be whatever anyone wanted me to be. I would rather have been one to fit in and go with the flow.

Not anymore.

Now, I’m standing tall, becoming my own person, and making waves.

Hello World!

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#6: My Charger

My charger is white and new. Getting a new phone for the first time in over two years, it is unlike any other charger I’ve ever had. At first, I was apprehensive, new technology, new charger, new apps and a new OS, but slowly, I realized change was inevitable.

Change is inevitable, not just in technology, or chargers, but in life as well. If things stayed the same, they would grow stagnant and boring. It’s impossible to stay in one place forever.

Change can also be scary, but I have found, even if it is terrifying at the time, it leads to better things in the long run.

5 years ago today, I was in a relationship that I’m sure was my worst relationship to date. 5 years ago today, I ended that relationship and since then, only good things have come from that end. It was a huge change and caused a lot of grief at first, but here I am 5 years later and so much stronger for it.

Change is frightening, but most of the time its the charge we need to keep moving forward.

#5: Leftovers

There are certain things that carry over from the previous days and years. It’s been five years since nursing school started, five years since I got out of that terrible relationship, five years since every relationship I thought I had changed.

There are so many things I’m still holding onto that I shouldn’t. After five years, the leftovers are starting to rot.

They no longer serve me, and I’m letting them go,

It’s time to be me again.

#2: CD

I was fresh out of the package,

and you burned me with your influence.

Fed me your lines and your rhymes,

All in perfect time and cadence.

You marked me with your ways,

and your faults,

so that whenever I do anything,

I am reminded of you.

Your rhymes and your cadences,

all getting stuck in my head as they are tattooed on my skin.

Sometimes,

the only way to heal is to break,

shatter until I can’t hear your melody anymore.

Break and twist until I can no longer fit in your machine.

Standing With My Antlers On

A couple of months ago, I made a blog post called “Not Every Girl is a Pearl”. In that post, I talked about all the changes I was making and the hope I had for the future.

Here is what has changed since then.

  1. I’m still single, and learning to love it.
  2. My hair is growing out nicely
  3. Judo is going well

And because of those things I’ve been able to take steps to increase confidence and take care of myself better.

Single Life

This is the longest I’ve been single in a long while. There have been times where I’ve been scared, and alone, but all in all, it’s been so empowering.

My days are my own, my choices are my own, and because of that my confidence has soared. Yes, occasionally it has been lonely, but I don’t regret my decision to end things.

My happiness had to come first.

My Hair

It’s been about four months since I chopped my hair off and I will admit there are some days throughout the growing process that make me want to chop it all off again, but overall it’s going well. I’ve changed a few of my usual habits due to timing and other obligations, but I’m slowly learning to love my hair and it’s nature, along with other parts of me.

It all comes down to confidence, I guess.

Judo

Very recently, as of a week ago, I went to Winter Nationals for Judo and basically got my butt handed to me. I expected this, after only being in judo for just over four months, but I did it anyway. I didn’t want to wait around for the next tournament. Winter Nationals was honestly terrifying, but in the good way that you end up being thankful for later.

I was thrown into helping volunteer in pooling and the scoring system for our mat and it forced me to not think and just do. It forced me to be assertive and stand up to the competitors and coaches that all wanted something from me at the same time. It forced me to find the strength that had been buried and pushed down for so long in my work life. It was what I needed.

As far as actually competing goes, I was in a four woman pool, which means I only had to worry about three other competitors. All three landed full Ippons on me in less than a minute, but I still went out and tried my best. I did have an attack of nerves, but I pushed through it and went out anyway.

On Monday, two days later, I was promoted and got my yellow belt. Which I consider one of my biggest achievements this year, if not the biggest.

It all happened because I let go of my fears and decided to be more confident in myself and my abilities. It’s been a while since I’ve had this confidence and I’m not going to let it go so easily again.

I’m standing up with my antlers on.

Courage

Today is World Judo Day and the theme this year is Courage.

This is very important to me, since I feel I have been lacking courage recently. For the past few weeks, I’ve just been floating through life. Work, home, judo, school, repeat ad infinitum. I’ve recently decided that I’m not going to do that anymore.

There are things coming up that I need courage for and I’m slowly realizing that I’ve been taking the easy route rather than having courage and facing challenges.

NaNoWriMo: I’m having courage and branching out from my usual hermit-mode while writing.

Judo: Winter Nationals are coming up and I won’t get anywhere with this half assed “Oh sorry” attitude I’ve been having when training. I’m choosing to have Courage and Trust in others and my own abilities.

School/Work: I’ve been pushed around and forced to play the nice guy because I don’t want to start issues. This has made me docile and basically a doormat. Courage in my work and my convictions will help that.

So I am making the active decision to face my challenges with courage and confidence. I’m excited to see where that leads me over the next few months.

IMG_8402

Something from Inktober earlier this month.

 

Coward

Maybe you’re right. 

Maybe I let go too soon,

Tapped out when I should have stayed in,

Let things go when they got too tough,

Gave up,

Gave in. 

Maybe I am a coward, 

For leaving,

For tapping out,

For wanting to protect myself, 

For wanting to chase my own happiness,

Instead of feeling like I was stagnant and drowning. 

Thank you for calling me “coward”,

I’m going to prove you wrong.