Coward

Maybe you’re right. 

Maybe I let go too soon,

Tapped out when I should have stayed in,

Let things go when they got too tough,

Gave up,

Gave in. 

Maybe I am a coward, 

For leaving,

For tapping out,

For wanting to protect myself, 

For wanting to chase my own happiness,

Instead of feeling like I was stagnant and drowning. 

Thank you for calling me “coward”,

I’m going to prove you wrong. 

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Not Every Girl is a Pearl

I’m working my way back to me again– Oysters, Tori Amos

Lately, there have been a lot of changes in my life. 

  1. I ended a nearly 3 and a half year relationship 
  2. I chopped off all my hair because I could
  3. I started Judo. 

Let’s start with the ending of the longest relationship I have ever been in. 

2014-2017- The End of an Era

For a long time in that relationship I was oblivious to my own feelings. I had my head in the sand, thinking that I wasn’t really feeling the random thoughts that would pop up. 

It won’t last.

He’s not your type.

Why him?

I chalked it up to hormones, or stress, or the natural feelings of resisting change, the typical thoughts you have when things are going so right and you’re waiting for the worst to strike. 

It wasn’t until another factor came into play, another friend that I’ve been talking with for a few years on and off, that I realized how truly oblivious I was being, how much potential was still out there for me. 

My boyfriend wasn’t the end all, be all that I thought he was. 

So even though it was frightening, I ended up breaking up with him, and honestly, I’m happier than I can remember being for a long time. 

And for the first time in YEARS, most of it is my own happiness, not relying on other people, or things that I think should make me happy, but things that actually make me happy.

I am more confident than I have ever been, finding myself after being in relationship after relationship with no time for me for about a decade with no real time for me. 

It’s been that way since I was sixteen, flitting from relationship to relationship because I lacked confidence to do things on my own, settling for a boy because he gave me attention, and thinking he was the best option out there (Spoiler Alert: They weren’t; that’s why they’re exes). 

Instead, they were all lessons. 

How not to settle, How to find my voice, How to gain confidence, How to lose friends, among several other lessons that are more difficult to explain. 

I’m beginning to wonder what lessons I can learn on my own. 

The Haircut

We’ve all seen the movie cliché, girl breaks up with boy, cuts off her hair in an edgy way, etc etc. Yeah, I cut my hair after the break up, but it was so much more than that. 

For years, in every relationship I have ever been in, I have always valued the opinion of my significant other more than my own–I blame this partly on my family and their values with the very 1950’s mindset, the woman exists to please the man– asking their opinions on the smallest of things, from nail polish colors to what shirt would look better etc. 

This haircut was different because I didn’t ask anyone, I made my own decision and only showed my best friend after it was done. I didn’t post it on social media, or text or call anyone after it was done asking for opinions. 

I just did it, and thought for the first time I think ever:

If someone doesn’t like it they can fuck themselves. It’s mine and I’m claiming it. 

It’s been nearly two weeks and no one has said anything negative about it. It might have to do with this surge of confidence lately, but I’m enjoying it. 

It’s small, but I’m starting to claim my body back as my own and make choices for myself. 

Things that make me happy and comfortable. 

Judo

It’s a little early to tell, since I just started Judo on Monday, but it goes back to choices and confidence. 

This friend I’ve been talking to has been doing Judo for a while and Karate for longer, and he mentioned that I should join Judo. I was nervous because I have very little body-kinesthetic knowledge, and Judo is basically a fighting martial art, but I ended up going, actually breaking a sweat and enjoying it more than I thought I would. 

Monday, it was more calm, groundwork, etc. 

Thursday, it was throws, which were so empowering. Taking someone way heavier than me and throwing them like they weigh close to nothing. The first few were pretty bad, and frightening, but when I got it right, there was nothing like it. 

With throws, you just know when it’s right. 

I think that’s life too. 

You can struggle through it, fight through the weight of decisions, force things over your head until they come crashing down, or you can adjust until everything is perfect and life flows over you like it’s weightless. 

This last month has held a lot of changes, and a lot of growth, and I can’t wait to see what happens next. 

As Tori says, I’m working my way back to me again. 


Oysters-Tori Amos 

I Miss Handwriting

I used to hate growing up without the latest technology. It was just my dad and I for a lot of my growing up years, and most years we barely scraped through financially. I was fortunate to grow up to watch the big clunky tan computers give way to sleek black powerful machines and the bricks of cell phones transform into thin powerhouses of connectivity. 

Now at 25, I haven’t even had my smartphone for a year yet. Before that, I had a tablet with limited connectivity to wi-fi. Before that, I had a hand me down laptop that crapped out six months into me having it and a desktop that might get the file open in the next century or so. 

What is my point?

As a writer, I grew up and went through school handwriting all of my drafts (and never really typing them up). 

Since I got my job, I have upgraded my phone, and my laptop and I have been typing up more original works rather than handwriting them. I thought it was making me more productive, skipping the step of having to write it, then type it, then edit it, etc, etc, but after having this technology for nearly a year and using it daily, I feel like I am less productive. 

Lately, I have been having these intense urges to create something with my hands. I have been having the urge to draw or paint or do something physical with my hands, and let me tell you, I am definitely not an artist, or a painter. 

I think these urges are because with my phone, my hands remain relatively stationary and maybe it feels like I’m not creating masterpieces because it’s not a physical representation. It’s all in the cloud. 

I’m not bashing writing technology or saying it is inferior in any way. I just miss hand writing my drafts. 

I miss holding up a notebook or a binder full to the point of bursting with written pages and saying “I wrote this!”

I miss writing little ridiculous notes in the margins relating to characters or the events of the story. 

I miss the beauty of hand writing and the messy lines and curves of my own writing. 

I miss the little doodles in the corners. 

I miss the feeling of lined paper under my hands and the ink smudges against my pinky after writing for hours because I am left handed. 

I miss the complete artistry of handwriting. 

My mom’s handwriting compared to mine. Isn’t it beautiful?

Camp NaNoWriMo Update

Yes, I am doing Camp NaNo this July. 

I’m working on several projects.

Writing- 

Little Earthquakes- Based on the first album by the lovely Tori Amos, the story follows a young woman as she tries to navigate several disasters that threaten to destroy her dream of being a dancer. 

The Schemes of VKs (Descendants fanfiction)- A prequel to Just One Kiss. The story of how Mal and Ben got together after the love spell and the repercussions. 

The Weight of Your Lips (Descendants fanfiction)- The sequel to Just One Kiss. What happens after Ben and Mal share that spectacular kiss. 

Editing-

Girl Disappearing- Book One in the LOVED series. Jared’s fight for Emily when she can’t fight for herself. Randa’s fight for Widren with Marvel and Xander. Two worlds hang in the balance. 

Just One Kiss (Descendants Fanfiction)- Ben made a promise without realizing it. Can he and Mal navigate the summer without disastrous consequences?

I am pretty busy this July. All of this, with work and volunteering. Though so far I am having a lot of fun. 

Fanfiction: Just One Kiss

Camp Nano

A taste of Little Earthquakes

 

Writer Life Lessons #19: Learn Everything You Can

Some of you may be looking at this title and thinking “Learning? But I’m a writer and I already know what I want to write about”. I understand where you are coming from, and I know how daunting it sounds to learn new things, but there is a reason for it.

Learn Everything You Can because you never know when it will come in handy for your next draft, or even in your own life. If nothing else, it’s interesting factoids at parties. Entertain yourself and your friends!

When you have a voracious appetite for learning, it makes writing easier. Not only do the ideas flow better, because you know more base information to come up with ideas, but you more easily can identify plot holes and glaringly obvious mistakes that might have made your reader put your book down and never pick it up again.

I’m not saying that you should go to college, or back to college, just because you want to write about astrophysics. I am saying learn what interests you. With the addition of the internet and smart phones, tons and tons of knowledge is at the tip of our fingers. If I wanted to learn Mandarin Chinese tomorrow, all I would have to do is type it into my nearest search bar and find the link that interests me most.

The learning doesn’t always have to be online either. There are books and podcasts and shows on television, groups in your area. If you can think of a way to learn, it is probably out there in your community. Anything and Everything is out there if you know where to look.

I take this lesson very personally, because as of now, I have been in school for most of my life and am just starting to break out into the workforce. I have learned a lot in all the schools that I have been in and all of the classes and units that I have taken. Even now, after I have graduated, I still am learning new things everyday. I want to know as much as possible, so my characters, my scenes, my writing can be as amazing as real life, and so I can help as many people as possible in my life.

Recently, I learned the basic information about computers and laptops, and brought my old laptop back to life with a few parts from my lovely boyfriend, and the assistance of my dad. It’s running great now, and it is what I am using to write this post right now. Sure, I could have just bought a new laptop, when I get a job, but I get the satisfaction of knowing that I fixed it and that I have a new experience and new knowledge to fall back on.

So go out and learn something new, and be proud of that knowledge!

And as always:

Happy Writing!